Many couples find it difficult to accept that it is not the presence of conflict that indicates a troubled relationship. Conflict is inevitable and normal in all relationships.
According to Gottman, there are Four Horsemen in a relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Even according to online counseling, when one or more horsemen become our patterned response, the intensity of unhealthy communication styles increases and ultimately harms our relationship.
Criticism
It’s the first horseman of the apocalypse. Criticism is different than voicing a complaint. Criticism is attacking our partner’s character or personality using generalizations. Example: “You never think about how this affects me!” Or “You always…” sentence.
Contempt
It is the second horseman. Contempt is attacking your partner to insult or harm them. Examples of contempt include name-calling, sarcasm, mocking, hostile humor, sneering, eye-rolling, and other related behaviors.
Defensiveness
The third horseman. Defensiveness involves perceiving ourselves as the victim. Cross-complaining is another form of defensiveness: meeting your partner’s complaint with your complaint while ignoring what your partner said. Another form of defensiveness is repeating something without listening to our partner. Example: “I did x because you did y…” Or “This is unfair. You are the one who ..”
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Stonewalling in a Relationship
The fourth horseman involves withdrawing. Stonewalling conveys disconnection. Examples: changing the subject, leaving the scene, the silent treatment, using one-syllable utterances, and being unwilling to engage in conversation.
Breaking patterns like this is easier when you are motivated and committed to change. However, if you still find it hard to replace The Four Horsemen with more loving behaviors then switch to Heelr.
Heelr is here for you to keep your Relationships intact
At Heelr, you can connect with a relationship expert who will give you the antidotes of these horsemen and healthier communication tools to improve the intimacy in your relationship.
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